The other day, a work colleague and friend, posted an image of a jar on Facebook with the instruction to imaging placing a positive word beginning with the first letter of your first name (typing the word in the comments section of Facebook). I thought about this for a little while and came up with 'Belligerence'.
Now I don't know where the word came from but I do know that I liked the word's phonetic qualities. For some reason, I had forgotten its meaning (basically, a belligerent person is someone who is prone to being argumentative and aggressive).
So why did I choose this word? Was it really an accident?
Sigmund Freud talks about how a lot of things we perceive as slips of the tongue actually warrant exploration. I certainly remember at secondary school replying, 'Yes, Mum' as my name was out out to my embarrassment on one occasion.
In which case, nothing is truly arbitrary and meaning can be ascribed to everything.
This has led me to wonder whether my seemingly random remembrance of this word is my unconscious trying to tell me something.
As children, we are mainly encouraged not to argue, be aggressive or to be angry. I was bullied at various points throughout my school life, so I can see the problems inherent within that notion. In very real terms, sublimating your feelings of frustration, fear and uncertainty can cause lifelong issues. The only time I retaliated at school was after a prolonged period of being bullied. I ended up getting the boy in a headlock when I just couldn't take anymore. From then on, him and his mate left me alone. Also interestingly, when the bell rang at the end of the break time, I retaliated I went straight to my next class. Conditioning and structure are very important.
By nature, I am not a fighter, although at its most focused, I can see the value of argument and debate but it does need to be controlled in some way. For example, a child having a temper tantrum every time they want something, probably shouldn't be rewarded with a gift. Behaviours are learnt or are they?
The writer, psychiatrist, psychotherapist and psychologist, Carl Jung was very interested in archetypes and how as human beings, it is necessary to come to terms with the less palatable aspects of our characters, our 'shadow selves', the bits we consider unacceptable and to try to incorporate them into our more society friendly personas.
I have always been fascinated by the idea of Freud's topography of the psyche, particularly the unconscious and later, the Id. Those primary energy channels that probably tie up with the most extreme emotions (or help to generate them). When we experience, love, hate, rage etc, we can probably thank the unconscious for the emotions.
I am currently undergoing a period of intensive self exploration, a confrontation of who I am and who I hope to become. As such, looking at my moods and the triggers for said moods is imperative for my future progression. I have learnt that sometimes anger provides a useful release for pent up frustrations. Being single and mentally going rounds in circles at times (OCD etc), whilst trying to structure and understand a chaotic world does lead to moments where I wish to scream at the moon.
Anger, if channelled correctly, can generate tremendous amounts of positive change and indeed, creativity. If you don't believe me, just listen to any number of songs such as Bob Dylan's Idiot Wind or Elvis Costello's Tramp The Dirt Down for examples of how the worst life events, relationship break-ups and loss etc can produce incendiary works.
But left untethered, anger can cause physical problems and lead to addictions to try to conceal the more unpleasant aspects of character and rage can produce.
Over the years, I have got most angry inside when I have felt most frustrated, exploited or hurt. Seeing people angry or argumentative terrifies me as the 'fight or flight' imperative may be useful in a warzone, but serves minimal use in day to day living.
So what word did I find after I finally discarded 'belligerence'? Benefaction.
But although, I prefer the act of giving, somewhere inside I sense that it goes hand in hand with those primal energies and drives that we live with throughout our lives. If the human condition is essentially to be born and then to die, at my most withdrawn and/or depressed, I see myself mirrored in the subject of Edvard Munch's The Scream.
Where there is anger and frustration, there can be hope for change.
Barry Watt - 17th August 2024.
Afterword.
Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud were both very prolific. Their ideas can either be read in more condensed forms via other writers or in their own words translated for interested parties. I can probably guide you in the right directions but you can read more if you want. Needless to say, my summaries of their ideas are my interpretations of their theories etc as they apply to me.
Bob Dylan's Idiot Wind originally appeared on his album, Blood on the Tracks and in its live 1976 incarnation could well win the award for the angriest and also paradoxically, most life affirming songs of all time. As part of the indirect lessons suggested by this blog, go and see the performance from Fort Collins in 1976 on You Tube that also appears in an audio form on the album, Hard Rain.
Elvis Costello's Tramp The Dirt Down featured on his album, Spike. It's an extremely angry song exploring his feelings surrounding Margaret Thatcher and the Conservative Party during the 80s. One of the most articulate and beautiful songs that you will ever hope to hear.
Edvard Munch's The Scream is a painting that continues to resonate within Western societies.
BW.
Photo.
If you know, you know.
BW
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